The triangle
Model created by psychotherapist Stephen Karpman. The general assumptions of the model are simple. Each vertex of the triangle represents the following roles: accuser, victim, savior. This arrangement can be observed very often in our relationships, both in private and professional life.
The victim is powerless, he feels helpless in the face of “events”, “distress” that happened to him. The victim does not take responsibility and does not have the strength to get out of the situation that happened to her.
The savior tries to help the victim regardless of his own needs. Often motivated by guilt, it makes the victim dependent on him.
The accuser blames the victim and often criticizes the behavior of the rescuer. He’s not nice to the victim and he’s looking for someone to blame.
Prosecutor
“it is your fault”
“you are to blame for your situation”
dominates
Criticizes
He blames and points the finger
Angry tone of conversation
Victim
“why is this happening to me”
“what’s wrong with me”
embarrassed
misunderstood
does not make a decision
takes no action to solve the problem
Savior
“you need my help”
“I will help you and fix your mistakes”
feels connected to the victim
helps no matter what
saving improves self-esteem
If you run projects and manage teams, sooner or later you will be at a meeting where you will be able to observe similar behavior. Many times I witnessed conversations like:
Manager1: Why didn’t you get it
Team Leader1: It’s because Team X didn’t deliver their part, we couldn’t do anything.
Team Leader2: It’s because of these requirements that we didn’t know it was so urgent, we didn’t know what had to be done.
Manager2: It’s not their fault that they didn’t get the requirements, we know very well that the team is young and can’t work without a good specification.
Such conversations are not very productive and usually do not bring anything to the situation. From the point of view of business and organization, they are also expensive (if we count the time spent on such a meeting). We have no control over what has already happened and blaming others will not solve the problem.
Escape
Being aware of what is happening, we can change the dynamics and narrative of the meeting to achieve the desired effect. This will require everyone to be aware of the impact their words have on others and on the situation as a whole. I always assume that we all work to ensure the success of the organization we work for. Believing that we are striving to solve the problem together avoids thinking about the motives of actions.
With this assumption, we can stop for a moment and try to change the agenda of the meeting. In order to be successful, each participant should change their role.
The accuser assumes a more assertive role that will allow others to talk about the facts. He is demanding, talks about expectations and sets boundaries, but not at the expense of other meeting participants.
“I’d like to hear what happened. Please describe it to me in the next five minutes.”
“What are the facts and what was the sequence of events”
The victim should learn how to solve their own problems and how to ask others for help. From a victim, he becomes a person who survives and is able to deal with his problems. He must realize what he needs to be successful and take action to achieve it.
The deliverer should avoid helping others every time. He must take on the role of a coach to help the victim learn to solve their problems. He must realize that by solving problems for the victim, he does not have the will to act and solve problems on his own.
“You can solve this problem yourself”
“What ways do you see to solve this problem”
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